En dag i Amsterdam

I skrivende stund er klokken 3 søndag nat og i min søvnløse tilstand kunne jeg ligeså godt skrive et blog-indlæg.

Afsnittet vil omhandle en enkelt dag i Amsterdam, evt. krydret med ting fra andre dage hvor jeg ikke har noter fra.
Jeg prøvede en slags gonzo-journalistik om min oplevelse, men grundet store kogere blev det kun til en enkelt dag.
Turen som varede 11 dage kan summeres op på følgende sætning: “Jeg husker ikke en skid men glemmer det aldrig”

Det hele startede med en gå tur mod centrum, men i min koger gik jeg bare. Mit første noterede stop var et lille værtshus hvor jeg fik en lille notesblok, og øl masser af øl.

13:36: Skæv, lidt fuld. Er på et skummelt lille bumset værtshus. Værtinden ligner lort i nattøj og hele hullet lugter af smøgrøg.
Jeg har siddet her i næsten en time og talt med en sut. Jeg var nødsaget at spørge om vej mod centrum, da jeg kun havde en svag anelse om hvilken retning jeg skulle i.
Denne sut var typen man finder masser af på danske værtshuse. Han havde en regning på stedet, så stambums var han også. Hans sprog var en blanding af hollandsk-engrish-bums, men det lykkedes mig at forstå manden. Da jeg spurgte om vejen mod “centrum” pegede han så også direkte i redlight og sagde nogle uforståelige sætninger.

Udover det, så drak jeg en Wittbier hvis smag henledte tankerne til syrlige sokker.
Idag er det mandag.

Jeg startede min dag med at fejle i at rulle en joint, den kunne ryges men godt var det ikke.
Jeg kan ikke huske datoen, men jeg kunne resonere mig frem til, at det måtte være d.28.dec. Jeg er fuld nu.

Jeg sidder på et bageri. Spiser æblekage og drikker kaffe. Midt i seancen opdager jeg at mine nøgler lå hjemme på værelset.

Lige nu er jeg lige glad. Jeg har mere brug for at koge rundt og opdage skæve ting.

Klokken er 13.30. Jeg sidder på en coffeeshop og ryger. Jeg opdager at hvert sted har anderledes kager til kaffen. Kagerne følger automatisk med, sammen med sukker.
Kagen er en hård lille småkage, som en skorpe. Den er ikke så sød som de tidligere kager jeg har smagt til kaffen.

Nu vil jeg lede efter en netcafé da jeg ville tjekke min netbank eller mere realistisk, surfe efter smurfporn.
Jeg går ud af coffeeshoppen, stiller mig op af et hegn for at hive en smøg. Her opdager jeg, at der er en turistgruppe som fortælle en masse spændende om byen. Jeg bliver selvfølgelige stående og lytter mens jeg pulser videre.
Da de så småt begyndte at gå fulgte jeg blot trop for at suge information til mig.

Man kunne selvfølgelige argumentere, at det var moralsk forkasteligt blot at forfølge en turistgruppe som havde betalt, måske 10€ for at deltage i touren. Jeg så intet forkert i det.

Mens jeg stod i gruppen midt på en åben plads nær redlight slog kaffen ind og ville ud hurtigst muligt. Derfor i fuld firspring stormer jeg over til en café, beder om en kaffe og et lokum pronto!
Jeg sagde selvfølgelig ikke pronto, men prøvede på en pæn og beskeden måde at spørge om lov til at låne toilettet. Det er bare svært at være kontrolleret når urinen nærmest drypper ud af øjnene.

Da jeg havde pisset af indtager jeg kaffen. Jeg bemærker at der igen er en ny kage til. Denne gang var det en normal chokolade-chipped-cookie. Kaffen kostede 1.90€
Jeg bemærker at alle caféer har smarte espresso maskiner samt en vaske hvor de bare skyller ølglas efter brug. Ølskyllerne gør mig glad, da det er så langt fra klinisk rent som man kan forestille sig.

Da jeg er færdig på caféen håber jeg at kunne genfinde min turistgruppe dog uden held. I stedet finder jeg en anden gruppe som også var igang. Så denne begynder jeg at rende lidt efter.
Desværre taber jeg dem hurtigt i virvaret af mennesker så jeg hopper i stedet på en coffeshop for at skrive dette.

Bygningerne i Amsterdam er skæve fordi man bruger hejse-teknik til at få tunge ting op på 3.sal frem for at slæbe det op af trapper som jeg har prøvet for mange gange.

Coffeeshoppen hvor jeg sidder er lille og skummel. Den eneste ledige plads er i et mærkeligt indhak i væggen så man er komplet isoleret fra andre. Indhakket minder mig om et kosteskab uden dør.
Kagen jeg fik til kaffen hedder Hoppe og et er en klassisk isvaffel.

Efter at have nydt en lille pind bevæger jeg mig langsomt mod hotellet igen, eller jeg besøger først hamp-museet da jeg sikkert bare ville glemme det ellers.
Klokken er nu 14.30.

Museet viser en masse sære ting, hvor Hamp-müsli virker mest mærkelig i min verden. Jeg opdagede til min, ikke helt, overraskelse at Shiva var en skæv kran.
Jeg så en masse forskellige retssager med folk som er blevet bustet med hamp i staterne hvor de stod til mellem 1 og 20 år i brummen. Mens folk som har skudt andre kunne nøjes med 5. Fantastisk.
Hele museet var lidt for biased til min smag, men det var interessant tidsfordriv.

Jeg går lidt mere rundt og skulle skide akut! Jeg opdager til mit held, at der lå en lille pub. Så jeg stormer ind bestiller øl og spørger om jeg kan sprøjtemale deres lokum med hollandske madrester.
Toilettet ligger på 2.sal, hvor der er billardborde på 1. sal.
Klokken er 14.50. Jeg har ingen tidsfornemmelse, men det var rart at skide.

Jeg går igen mod hotellet og ender der rent faktisk. Kogerne på værelset har indkøbt flere mærkelige ting. Kratum.

Efter indtagelse besluttede jeg at skrive analytisk om min tilstand.
Først vrøvlede jeg meget, hvilket ligesåvel kan skyldes alle de andre medikamenter jeg har fyldt hovedet med i løbet af dagen.
kl.17.00 urinerede jeg.
Jeg føler mig afslappet, meget afslappet. Som at være superskæv, hvilket jeg måske også er.
Jeg har svært ved at holde stramt om objekter.
Jeg er stadig vældig afslappet og føler for at tegne ting.
17.30 urinerede igen.
Jeg er stadig hamrende afslappet.

Dette er slutningen på mit nedskrevne notat om en enkelt af mine dage i Amsterdam. Havde jeg været bedre til at at køre gonzo-stilen ville jeg være gladere nu. Når jeg ser tilbage på dagen:
Ryger 2 joints, spiser 1 æblekage. Drikker 3 øl og 3-4 kopper kaffe. Pisser 3 gange og skider 1.

Men det var en yderst behagelig gåtur.

20 thoughts on “En dag i Amsterdam”

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  19. Bem legal a resposta à minha pergunta, Ico! A continuidade do GP da Turquia mesmo frente à baixa presença do público é a prova de que Guy Debord estava cert em seu diagnóstico: a sociedade do espetáculo é o dinheiro que se olha – os olhos dos espectadores são mero detalhe.E búlgaros… é bastante surpreendente. Achava que houvesse um público israelense mais considerável, afinal em Israel, por motivos óbvios, não se organiza eventos internacionais de grande porte. Se houve israelenses no GP esse ano, certamente eles não voltarão tão cedo…

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